Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
