Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
