I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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