There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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