I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
