just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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