life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
