I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
