4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
