You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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