To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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