I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
