We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
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