Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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