I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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