New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he wants to bone in the snuggie
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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