I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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