I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
