Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
