Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
