I have demons in me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
