I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize