Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
