Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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