You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize