shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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