Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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