also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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