If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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