I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
