I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
