the condom got lost in my hair
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Randomize
