I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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