if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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