woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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