Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I need water and some morals
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
