her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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