So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
