Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
