Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
