I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
