the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
