Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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