i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
