You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
