so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
