With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
