I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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