I faked an abortion last night.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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