If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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