Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
