he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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