When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Randomize
