thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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