i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
