Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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